By Mary Emma Allen

After nearly 15 years of empty nesting, when my husband, Jim, and I had adjusted to more space in our house, room to spread out with our many projects, eating meals at our convenience, doing the dishes whenever I felt like it, having quiet in the early morning to work on my writing, our life suddenly changed with the addition of four.

Our household had to expand (and our belongings condense into closets, under beds, into unused drawers) to include our daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren. At first it was because Jim and I were in an accident and I needed care while I recovered from a broken back and he from bruises and torn ligaments.

Then what was to be a temporary blending of households became more permanent when our son-in-law developed cancer. For the past 6 years, grandchildren have grown and need more space, daughter has increased her quiltmaking activities, and I've crammed more and more filing and writing work into our bedroom. So now we're finishing the basement.

Tips for Blending Households

How do you blend households and still remain friends? We've managed to get along, still enjoy one another, adapt to the many personalities, and become incorporated into a world of caring for children again as Jim and I often fill in as babysitters.

"You're grandparenting tonight," the librarian remarked when I brought my granddaughter to the summer reading program and listened to a concert on the town common from the library windows while I waited.

*PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING becomes important when you have six people/three generations under one roof for a lengthy time. If you aren't patient with the other people and try to understand their viewpoints, you soon will find angry words flowing. 

*BITING ONE’S TONGUE is something you learn in this situation. In other words, think before you speak. Otherwise you'll have a continually uncongenial situation that could become a horror for everyone.

*DEVELOPING A SENSE OF HUMOR is imperative when you have a household of three generations. We need to laugh at ourselves and find humor in situations that could turn unpleasant. 

*HAVING YOUR OWN SPACE proves helpful but is difficult in a house the size of ours. I've set up a writing space in our bedroom which has become very crowded with my files. But I can escape here. My husband has an office for his business and for production of my books. Our granddaughter has her room for reading. Daughter and son-in-law have a video player in their room. Our kitchen/dining/living room is one large area where our daughter has her sewing space and son-in-law his study area.

*PLANNING DAYS AWAY serves as a lifesaver. Jim’s and my business takes us away periodically for several days at a time. This is a nice break for both families and gives us time to regroup. We care for the children so their parents can have a day away.

*WORKING OUT PAYMENT is different for each family. Whenever possible, devise a payment schedule for the adult children who've moved back. They need to pay something toward the household expenses. We purchase food separately and cook our own meals for the most part, although there are some things we share. Some of this is due to differences in food tastes, different meal schedules, and different budgets. 

*INVOLVEMENT WITH GRANDCHILDREN becomes a bonus. Our daughter and family lived 600 miles from us so we didn't see the grandchildren often. Through this combined household, they have become part of our lives and we of theirs. We share the good and the bad times; they learn about coping with different personalities and generations and pitching in to do their share.

Shared Homes With Our Grandparents

As Jim and I looked back at our childhoods, we realized we experienced blended households, too. So we have memories of grandparents we wouldn't otherwise. We lived with grandparents or had them living with us at various times throughout childhood and teen years. In those days, it was commonplace for families to share households.

One day our daughter mentioned that a friend commented about how lucky she was to have her parents’ home open to them during her husband’s illness. Also, the children got to know their grandparents, something this young woman had missed in her childhood when she lived far from them. 

With a blended household in our future for some time to come, we continue to make adaptations to ensure that our lives are as congenial as possible. Life is always changing, we've discovered. We can't plan for certain for the future. So we must enjoy the day at hand...and look forward to finishing our basement!

(c)2002 Mary Emma Allen
(Mary Emma Allen also experienced a three generation household when her mother, in the mid stages of Alzheimer’s, lived with her and Jim before the children moved back home. This was a different type of coping and one she writes about in "When We Become the Parent to Our Parents."