I never thought there would be grief like it. When my eldest child, Jane, went to the States for a year when she was 18, I realized that I was a prime contender for severe empty nest syndrome. I did all the classic things – wandering into her bedroom, smelling her clothes, lying on her bed hugging a teddy bear. And I thought `Four whole seasons have to pass before I see her again – how will I bear it?` Needless to say I cried a lot though I knew that I had two other children who needed me to be my usual self – so I put on a brave face.

I didn't do too well when she was away – naturally I wanted her to come back to the UK. But I had to learn that we cannot determine our children's future; they will make their own decisions and one of the hard things is that those decisions often don't include their parents. 

Jane loved the States – and stayed for seven years! When she returned, I had to build a different kind of relationship with her. She was an adult; her grown-up opinions formed in another country, another culture. She was no longer a child – though if I live until she is 50 she will always be my child.

While Jane was away, my second daughter left to go to university. I thought this would be easier – she'd be in this country, I could see her at weekends, she wouldn't be so out of reach. But in many ways it was no easier. The house became increasingly silent – Lindsay is a sociable girl! And once again I had to learn the lesson that they will do things their way. She did not often come home for weekends, she was having such a good time at university and she was building her life there. The university town became her town and our little country home seemed boring and irrelevant to her fast new life. 

I had searched for a book to help me through this; my way of dealing with problems, finding information and sharing in the experience of others has always been through books. But there was no book on Empty Nest Syndrome. I couldn't believe it! I'm a writer myself, so my agent said `Go on then, get on and write it.` I did and it helped a lot. I spoke to hundreds of women who experienced empty nest syndrome in a variety of ways, not all of them sad or heart-wrenching. Some were positive, starting new careers or courses of study. But most were deeply affected and the word that cropped up most frequently was `bereavement.` The book: `The Empty Nest: When Children Leave Home` was published (see ENM bookstore/book of the month) but I still had to face the final test: the leaving of my son, my youngest.

Well, he left nearly four years ago now and I'm here to tell you it's OK! My life is wonderful now. I see a lot of the children and it's absolutely great watching them shape their adult lives. I've learned that their schedules are often too jam-packed to find time to come home – so I go to them. We meet as a family as often as we can and there is always so much news to exchange. It's incredibly exciting hearing about what they are doing and I am so proud of them. 

And – dare I say this? – when they've all been here for a few days it's rather nice to have peace and quiet when they've gone again! In the days when I was mourning the silence and the absence of boots clumping up and down the stairs, I would never have believed I could ever say such a thing! Now, though, I feel I have the best of both worlds. And believe me, there was no empty-nester as depressed, grief-stricken and hope-less than I was.