I am learning that life is about always reinventing ourselves and the transitions we go through from one stage to the next. Just when you think you have the mothering thing perfected and you now start to like the monster that we call a teenager--they leave--just when the relationship gets really good again with them-they leave- Don't get me wrong I know they have to leave and I am the first to want them to go out see what the world has to offer them and find their place in the whole scheme of things. However, isn't it ironic that just when things start to get good-it is time for them to go? 

I was not prepared for the sudden jolt into having to find myself and where I fit into the world again much as our kids have to do. I guess if I had worked while they were growing up I would not feel so displaced but I did not. I sometimes think this midlife empty nest thing is harder than adolescence. I actually wake up some mornings and wonder what I am going to do with myself for the day. I know this will pass and I will find a way to find my passion and my place apart from being a MOM. It is just the interim that is hard. 

My daughter is at college now and I have a son at home that is a junior in HS but that is different from a daughter. He does not see the need or the humor in "bonding" with me anymore. So basically I might get three words out of him a day. I would really like to start pursuing some of the things that I want to do-unfortunately they are in a different city than we life in. I have mixed feelings on how much I can start to leave him alone and pursue my own life and how much I need to just be here even though all I am is a person in the house rather than an integral part of his life. That is what growing up is all about separating from your parents and for boys it is especially important to break that tie with the mother and find their own identity and independence. 

Oh, the dilemmas of the transitional state-not quite totally empty nest but also not needed on an ongoing basis. I know I will figure this out, find my place again, and find my passion for something that will fulfill my life and give me a sense of individuality apart from being just a MOM. No one prepares you for the confusion all of this brings in your life-or maybe others just do not think about it that much. I certainly do not remember my parents losing any sleep over the evolution of kids leaving home. Guess our generation just thinks too much!!!!!!! 

I have to laugh because I have torn feelings of -oh, I do not want them to go-why can't you stay a baby forever and then thinking darn I want to go to. I want to be the one headed out the door starting the adventure we call life!!!!! I want to be in college again. I laugh when I tell my daughter I cannot decide if I miss her or if I just want to be her!!!! 

Hope some of this makes a little sense and oh does it do a soul good just to write these words and vent. Makes things look a little brighter and makes me realize-this too will pass. Life is all about constantly reinventing ourselves and making the transitions from one stage to the next. Oh the mystery of LIFE!!!!!