Here I am in the wee hours writing this "tribute" to my pitiful self. Because I know, without a doubt, I am enveloped with this sad condition because I have become yet another mother with grown children. I was a stay at home mom for eleven years. Very into my children's business. They were not ideal years but the best time of my life. 

I remember so vividly dreaming of the day when I would be on my own again. I had big plans! I'd have a lovely flower garden, I'd keep a perfect house, I'd sip tea and relax on the patio. Oh what a wonderful time I'd have! Well the time is here and I absolutely am not ready! It's like the time I was giving birth to my third child. In the midst of hard labor I yelled at my doctor "I can't do this!" 

Needless to say I did. I think that's exactly where I'm at now. I'm in intense pain of another sort, and I once again want to scream out "I can't do this either!" But I see even as I write this, I will do this, go through this stage and I'll probably get used to it and who knows I may even enjoy something about it dare I confess. 

Now that I have buffered you with a little humor I'll tell you the facts. My eldest son died in an ATV accident three years ago. In the midst of this my mother became seriously ill and I had to care for her. My middle child recently got married. She didn't move out to go to college like her friends. She went to the local college and stayed home because she hated to leave me after our loss. Now my "baby" is nearly out of high school, and is hardly ever here except to eat, sleep, etc. My dear mother passed this Christmas Eve. Everyone I built my life around is taking off! My husband of 25 years is still here (even though I'm a certified golf widow). 

So here I am having this pity party writing a tragic sounding piece. Well there's no closure to this story, of course, as I do have to live the remainder of this life. I'm just having "growing pains" and I do have hope things will get better. I will find a way, a new purpose, a new goal. Just as soon as the pain stops I will!