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You 2.0
You may feel bound to your
timid demeanor, your
stifling job, or your
rancorous relationship,
but there is one realm
over which you
unquestionably have
control: your own head.
Herein, five principles of
change to turn you into a
self-starter.
By: Carlin Flora
You or Your World?
If
only you had a more
interesting job, lived in
that charming old house
across town, or were
married to Dave instead of
Tom—you'd be so much
happier, right? Watch out:
You may be projecting your
inner turmoil outward. If
that's the case, you'll
feel dissatisfied no
matter what your
situation.
One
way to distinguish the
source of your discontent,
says psychologist Barry
Lubetkin, author of
Bailing Out, is to
comb over your history. If
you're fed up with the
supervisor you have now,
honestly ask yourself,
"Have I bristled at
authority figures before?"
Tweaking how you react to
bosses generally could
benefit you much more than
trading this one in for a
new model you'll soon
detest just as much.
If
you're agonizing about
your job, recognize that
work should reap rewards,
but you may be expecting
too many, says Robert
Leahy, psychologist and
author of The Worry
Cure. "Everyone's
entitled to be treated
with dignity, but some
people think their job
should always be
interesting and fair," he
says. "You have to have
more of a strategy. Say to
yourself: 'Some of my work
is boring and my boss is
weird, but I must do the
work and be polite to
her.' " Readjusting your
expectations sets you up
for less disappointment.
It could also make your
job objectively better: A
buttered-up boss may grant
you more opportunities in
the long run.
When
Leahy was at his first
academic post, his
girlfriend wearily pointed
out that he was
complaining constantly.
Leahy couldn't deny the
charge. He began to record
his grievances in detail.
He then reviewed the diary
and asked himself, "Is
complaining about this
helping me?" The answer
was invariably no. He
instead started asking
himself, "Is there
productive action I could
be taking to address this
concern?" Repeatedly
wrestling with his
complaints and taking
initiative won him a
fulfilling visiting
professorship in British
Columbia.
Overcome Your
Fear of Failure
You could quit your
banking job and open an
antiques shop or move to
Romania to live with
your online love. But
what if it doesn't work
out? What will everyone
say about you then? The
fear of public
humiliation can keep us
safe, if not content.
Simply ask, "What is the
likelihood that the
thing I fear will come
true?" says Lubetkin.
And then, "If it does
come true, will it
really be as bad as I
think?" Our minds tend
to cue the worst-case
scenario, what
psychologists call "awfulizing."
But even shaky startups
and broken hearts can be
remedied.
Those who would judge
you may not even notice
your missteps. If they
do, they would be smart
to think your
behaviors—and not you as
a human being—are what
failed. Temporary slips
are crucial to eventual
success, Leahy says.
"When I was an
undergraduate, a
classmate of mine got a
C on a paper in his
economics course about
an idea for an overnight
mail service. Two years
after college, he took
that blueprint and
started FedEx."
The pressure to stay
within others'
perceptions of you could
pen you in more than the
fear of failure per se.
Say you're tired of
being the shy one and
are ready to reach out.
But you've always called
yourself bashful and all
of your friends and
family members treat you
accordingly. "It creates
a rigidity that keeps
you from moving
forward," says Nando
Pelusi, a clinical
psychologist based in
New York City. If you
act in a new way, after
all, you may seem phony.
But Pelusi would call
that progress: What
seems inauthentic at
first could inch you
closer to your true
self.
Not
everyone will immediately
take to the new you, warns
psychologist Judith Sills.
But such killjoys are
probably responding to
their needs rather than
yours—the friend who skips
your going-away party may
be reveling in her sadness
at losing your
companionship. But
ultimately, says Leahy,
"If people close to you
don't like you now that
you're happier, then you
have to ask yourself if
they're good people to
have in your life."
Embrace Risk and Novelty
Even if no one is
watching you, lighting
out for new, unmarked
territories is
terrifying. We
overestimate dangers and
risks, Lubetkin says,
because oftentimes our
parents—especially if
they are
overprotective—teach us
that danger is to be
avoided at all costs.
Pelusi sees a distal
cause for skittishness
in the face of change.
"We impute a lot of
power to the unknown,
because it was
life-threatening for
much of human history,"
he says. "Putting that
fear in its proper
perspective can help.
You are probably not
going to fall down a
ravine or get eaten by a
lion if you move to the
opposite coast."
At
the same time, points
out Pelusi, the human
spirit wants to break
out of habitual
constraints. Studies
confirm what many an
entrepreneur or divorcee
will tell you: We tend
to regret the things we
didn't try more than
those we did—even when
we fail.
Analyzing risk in the
classic "Should I stay
or should I go?"
scenario can bring on
headaches or even
paralysis. Lubetkin
recommends that you
write down the pros and
cons of each situation
and then weight them
numerically, according
to how important they
are to you. But then you
must also factor in the
more subjective "gut"
feelings. Flip a coin in
order to hypothetically
decide your fate, then
take note of how you
react to the outcome.
A
skewed perspective can
tip the scales, though.
"If you stay in a bad
situation, it generally
makes you feel worse
about yourself—which
makes you feel more
pessimistic," says
Leahy. If you're
contemplating a breakup,
the painful costs will
largely be upfront. As
with an exercise
regimen, it will hurt at
first but get easier
over time.
Expect (and
Enjoy) Discomfort
If you want to whip
yourself into shape
or renovate your
apartment, don't
wait until you feel
ready, says Leahy,
because no such time
will come. Instead,
commit to doing
something that you
don't want to do
each day. After all,
if your goal is to
lose 15 pounds,
you'll have to
consistently deny
your desires in
order to achieve it.
Resourceful people,
Leahy says, are not
having fun all of
the time. But they
do feel empowered
when they force
themselves to do
what's needed.
Such self-directed
whizzes also reward
themselves for
maintaining the
habit of tackling
dreaded tasks, not
just for the
results. They
embrace
"constructive
discomfort," Leahy
says. When you feel
hungry and antsy
because you can't
have that piece of
cheesecake, remind
yourself that those
are victory signals.
"It's like when
ballet dancers say a
workout was good
because it hurt
good."
The athlete's body
and an artist's
masterpiece are a
long time coming.
But you can mentally
divide the time you
are investing in
your plan. "Think of
the salesman who is
selling something
that costs
one-thousand
dollars," says
Lubetkin. "If he
meets with ten
people before he
sells it, each of
those meetings is
still worth
one-hundred
dollars—the paycheck
is just delayed."
You can break your
abstract idea of
"being healthy" into
the concrete daily
choices—such as
reaching for an
apple instead of a
Snickers—that will
eventually make you
so.
If you don't hang in
there and wait for
the payoffs, after
all, no one else
will. "This is the
only life you'll
ever have," says
Pelusi. "The
universe is
indifferent and even
people who love us
only love us with
sobering
intermittency. So
look within and
choose to direct
yourself."
Article courtesy:
www.psychologytoday.com
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