Stories
from Moms who have
"Made it Through"
and how some of them
managed.
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If you have managed to get through your child/children leaving home
and are now starting to
enjoy your "Empty
Nest", please feel free
to submit your story. It
could help some of the moms
who are either going through
it now or getting ready to!
You can submit it
by
emailing meHERE
I
was reading some of these
other “After the Empty
Nest Stories” and thought
I would submit my own, I
so enjoyed reading the
others and if it helps any
other Moms out there get
through this phase of life
a bit easier, then so much
the better!
I
really did wonder for a
while if I would make it
though, it was so hard at
first, I missed the kids
greatly and felt so lost.
We have three, a son and a
set of twins, (boy and
girl). They are only a
year and a half apart in
age so all moved out
within a couple of years!
Wow, from full house to
empty house.
The
biggest piece of advice I
would give would be to
listen to all who say,
“Give it time”. It does
get better and it does
take time. I know some out
there just zip right on
through and hardly give it
a second thought when the
last of the kids leave but
for some it is a big
adjustment..
The
first year away is the
hardest, for both Mom and
the kids; there is a lot
of adjusting for both to
get through. And of course
it seems to start all over
again when the next one
leaves!
Get
busy, do things. At times
it might seem like it’s
all you can do to make
yourself leave the house,
but find things to do. If
only working around the
house “reorganizing” rooms
or planting a garden. Find
someone that is of
interest to you and hubby,
if married. Keep at it!
You’ll start to realize
one day that you are
worrying a little less
about the kids and
starting to enjoy
yourself.
You’ll also find that you
start to develop a whole
different kind of
relationship with the
“kids” who are now
becoming adults and it can
be a very gratifying one
too. (They seem to
appreciate more of what
you went through as they
were growing up)
So as the title of this
story says: Give it Time,
Time Time!! And you will
get though your nest
emptying.
I
just wanted to write this
and let other moms out there
know that you can survive
the nest empting.
Both
of my kids are now
“officially” on their
own after finishing college
and going on to careers of
their own. I guess I started
preparing when the first one
started high school. I knew
that one day it was going to
be just my husband and me so
we had better make the best
of it.
I
worked part time and decided
to start taking some college
classes and to develop some
new “hobbies” to keep
myself busy. The classes
helped in the long run with
my part time job I had as it
helped me to decide to go to
work full time after the
last one left home. They
were related to the work I
did and helped in getting a
promotion so it was worth
putting in a few more hours
a week.
As
to the new hobbies, I had
always wanted to play Golf
but never gave much time to
taking lessons so managed to
work some in through those
high school years and now
try to play with my husband
as often as I can.
Well,
I won’t say it was a snap
adjusting to the kids being
gone, I did have my days!
But keeping myself busy with
working a little more and
learning to play golf with
my husband certainly helped.
So
all in all I would just say
to keep busy get more
involved in something you
really like to do and just
take little steps at a time
if you have to. It will get
better, not the same as when
all the kids were home, but
just starting a new
‘phase’ of your life. Oh
and I do need to say that I
am really enjoying the new
‘adult’ relationship we
have with the kids now.
Ok,
to be honest it wasn’t all
smooth sailing in the
beginning! We have three
kids, two boys and a girl.
After our daughter left
(youngest) it was hard for a
while. Just getting used to
not having all the usual
activities going on, the
house seemed so quiet.
It
was such a great joy
watching the boys coming
into “adulthood” and I
knew the same would happen
with our daughter. After all
that is what we strive for?
Helping them to grow into
adults and making lives for
themselves? (Although it
seems like it happens way to
fast!)
Meanwhile,
I decided I needed to do
something to get myself out
of this funk I found myself
in. I had always been a stay
at home mom so my life
pretty much revolved around
the kids and their
activities.
I
took it a day at a time.
Decided I would look into
some hobbies or other
activities that might
interest me to keep me busy.
I found that I liked to
quilt so looked around and
found some classes to take
for that and managed to make
a new friend or two so that
helped. I also used to bowl
and had ended up dropping
out years ago, more then
likely it had something to
do with not having enough
time to keep up with the
weekly routine because of
something going on with
school “stuff”. I found
a nice league to join one
day a week and am finding
that I really missed the
game and the socializing as
we usually end up going out
to eat lunch.
My
hubby and I have even
managed to start traveling
some here and there and that
has been really nice.
Hadn’t realized just how
long it had been with just
the two of us doing things
like that. Always seemed to
have kids around, not that
we minded that, you just
seem to fall into a routine
over the years.
So
that pretty much sums it up
for me. Just find things to
do, keep busy (yes, I know I
heard that a LOT too, but it
is sooooo true!) and after a
while you’ll find out that
you can have a life (and a
happy one too) after the
kids have all left the nest!
I know I am truly enjoying
mine now (ok, I do still
miss having the kids around
or rather the way it used
to be) and you can too!
During
human evolution different
cultures have had different
points of view on when it
was time to go on
your own. Some
consider coming to
maturity the moment when
the individual
reaches the stage of
procreation, thus, they
have to marry and have
their own family. Others
do not leave the nuclear
family, but, instead, they
"add" new
members to it and work
together to achieve a
common goal. It varies
from
country to country, from
socio-economic level to
the other.
I
left my parents' house at
age 24, after I graduated
from University. My son
left at 19 and he works
full-time and attends
college. Two different
generations, countries and
realities. It was and
still is hard for me to
deal being an "empty
nester" but, in
general, my ability to
adapt is high. I think...I
hope...
As
a divorced single mother
with one son life had been
full of challenges.
Although difficult being
in a new
country on my own I
always provided for my
child: private
school, soccer, vacations
spending time with
his grand parents.
And with no child support
whatsoever
How
do you get ready for :
"THE TIME" I
would look around me for
other people in my
situation. I think I
prepared myself
through my Mom's example. Both
her children moved from
Eastern Europe to
California. NOW I know how
hard it must have
been for her...There
is a saying that the first
7 years at home
makes a person who they
are today. I am just fine
how I raised him and he
will always be my son. I
know he wants to be
independent but I will
always buy him a present
on his birthday or sneak
his favorite candy in his
pocket
That's
what mothers are for.I
know there is that feeling
of sadness and emptiness
sometimes: this house is
really big now and the
swimming pool is so very
neat and unused...
There
is that feeling of
restlessness, especially
if some of us have
been stay at home
parents.You might wonder
" what do I do with
myself now?"Before
having my son I was a
published poet and I
always
felt I neglected my hobby.
Now
it's time for it! Since my
son left, my husband
and I went to Cancun. I
have never known this
planet possesses
that dreamlike turquoise
water that
"flooded"
my imagination for
eternity...For the very
first time I
snorkeled and
saw my husband "in a
different light" too.
So, don't worry: there is
life after 40 and there is
a new beginning after THEY
fly the coop
The
only worry you might have
now is them coming back
and making you
a...GRANDMOTHER. Good
Luck to us!
I
love writing. I love
the swirl and swing of words
as they tangle with human
emotions. ~James
Michener
In
1996 I left my fulltime job
as an Archivist/Library
Associate at the
University
of
Guelph Library
.I was told that I
could never work again due
to a rare occupational
respiratory disease called
“Librarian’s Lung”.
Many years of exposure to
organic dust andair contaminants had
taken their toll. In 2000,
due to my compromised immune
system, something broke theblood barrier to the
brain and I developed a rare
type of Encephalitis called
ADEM (a close cousin to MS).Recovery was long and
involved physiotherapy forright sided
paralysis, appointments with
a Speech Pathologist,
sessions for Vestibular
Therapy and I had an
Occupational Therapist from
an ‘Acquired Brain Injury
Program’, come
to my home weekly to help me
to re-learn how to use
things in the home i.e. the
stove, shower etc. and to
manage my day to day life.
Due
to the high costs of my
medical needs and my loss of
income, we had to sell our
home of 17 years.We have moved six
times in ten years.During the first two
years, following the
encephalitis, my two sons
who were then 17 and 21
years old, had to take care
of me.They would flip a
coin to see whose turn it
was on a weekend night to
stay home with Mom, if
Dad
were at work. Eventually,
my husband lost his job of
22 years after his place of
employment was closed.He became my fulltime
care-giver for four years.I
tell people that I went
through encephalitis,
menopause and ‘empty nest
syndrome’ all at once.
People
ask me, “How did you cope
with the stress?”My answer is simple,
“I didn’t”.For many years I was
clinically depressed and
found very little joy left
in life.I
believe that journaling
through this very traumatic
time is what gave me a
purpose. I
have been writing since I
was eight years old.I love writing and my
dream as a child was to
write children’s books
when I ‘grew up’.When I worked at the
University I wrote
professionally for academic
publications.After leaving there,
I started a small writing
business which was very
successful until I had the
‘brain attack’.
I
have had a lot of time to
think about my future which
seemed very grim. My
doctor's and the few
friends, who were left,
suggested that I do some
volunteer work to get
‘outside of myself’. For
the past three years, I go
one morning a week to
a grade 4-5 class at a local
elementary school. I
love it and it has revived
my early dreams of writing
for children.I feel inspired by
being in the presence of
children.
When
my boys were younger, I
wrote a ‘history’
textbook for grades 7-9
incorporating pioneer women
into the story.It seems that women
were left out of the
picture. I
never sent it
to
any publisher. I
asked the principle at the
school, where I volunteer,
if he would read it.
He did and gave it a great
deal of praise. I sent
it
away to
a
reputable publisher of
educational materials about a
year ago. Last week I
met with the children's
publisher and am going to
write for their elementary
school division as a
'freelancer'. This is
a dream come true for me.
I am 55 and if this had not
come along I do not know
what I would have done.
My
husband works now and both
of my sons live
in Toronto. When they moved out
to start their own lives, I
felt as if my life was
‘totally’ over in many
ways. But now I feel
like I am 8 years old again,
when I first decided that I
wanted to become a writer of
children's educational
materials.
I never gave up no
matter how dismal my life
has been in the past few
years. I have
permanent brain injury from
the brain attack and know
how to pace myself. I
believe that if you have a
dream that you have never
lived then now is the time
to pursue it. Do not
let anything or anyone stop
you.
Don't
ask yourself what the world
needs; ask yourself what
makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come
alive. ~Harold Whitman
Gloria
Troyer is an award winning
freelance
writer/author/broadcaster
that lives in
Guelph
Ontario
Canada
.
She
is a Member of the
Professional Writers
Association of Canada
It all started when we
dropped off my youngest
stepson, Zach, at college
on a beautiful fall day in
New England. Zach is
the youngest of four boys
but my first to send off
to college.
One year behind Zach came
my son, Jason and one year
later my daughter, Emma.
We unloaded the car and
moved him into his dorm
room, making it as homey
as possible. Then
hugs and kisses good-bye
on the steps and waves out
the back window of the car
as Zach stood alone waving
back to us. No sooner did
we turn the corner then I
burst into heart wrenching
tears. These tears were
the vocal kind with groans
and cries and ragged
breath as the heartbreak
took over my whole body.
These sobs lasted the
whole way home in the car
– two hours!
Obviously this empty nest
thing was not going to be
as easy as I thought!
I realized that I was not
only crying because I
would miss Zach but I was
also crying about losing
my son and
daughter in just two years
time and also about losing
a way of life that I had
come to know and love over
the past 18
years. I knew I had
to do something or I would
collapse when the next two
left for college. I
needed to figure
out how I was going to
survive” this empty nest
thing!
As each child left I put
together memory albums
with pictures of their
childhood and teenage
years with
quotations to match.
It was an extremely
cathartic experience for
me to pull out pictures
and laugh and cry as
I placed them in the
album. My husband
and I also planned an
empty nest trip to England
for late September after
the
last child went off to
college.
When all three kids were
gone I realized that the
biggest change for me was
in the decision-making
process on how
to spend my time. Before
the empty nest, when an
opportunity presented
itself I would send
out my “mommy sonar”
to “ping” the children
checking to see if I
could: stay late at work;
go to a class; or attend a
church activity. If
a child had a soccer game,
or needed help with a big
project, or if I just
wanted to be home for that
critical time right when
they got home from school,
then I would choose not to
stay late or do the
activity.
But when they left for
college I no longer had my
core – my children to
“ping”. I felt
as if I was wildly
spinning out of control
with no center to ground
me. I
ultimately realized that
it was now my time and
that I needed to be the
person that I “pinged”
when I made a decision. I
needed to put myself
in the center and ask:
What do I want to do? What
are my dreams? Is
this choice in alignment
with my values? Is this
how I want to spend my
time?
I suddenly remembered that
I had always wanted to
start taking pictures
again and asked for a
camera for
Christmas. I even
had a picture accepted and
printed by our local
paper! I lost those 35
pounds and began working
at Weight Watchers one
night per week to help
other women lose the
weight. I started
taking yoga classes and
exercising on a regular
basis. My husband
and I realized that we
could travel any time so
took that trip to the
Caribbean that we had
always wanted to do.
When I read in the church
newsletter about “give
yourself a mother’s day
present this year and go
with a group of women to
volunteer to help rebuild
Biloxi after Hurricane
Katrina” I realized that
this was something that I
really wanted to do. It
was something I was never
able to do while I was
raising my kids but a gift
I wanted to give myself
now.
I found that I was not
only surviving but
thriving in my empty nest!
I still miss the kids and
I miss having them define
my life at times but the
joy of watching them grow
up, the thrill of having
them come home for
vacations and the cell
phone calls for advice
(and money) keep me in the
loop and still a mother.
The difference is that now
I am a mother of adult
children,
a mother who is
accomplishing dreams of
her own.
Leslie Anne
Ackles is Director of
Organizational Development
and Training at the UMass
Donahue Institute. She
also offers a workshop
“Putting Balance Back
into Your Life”. Leslie
is among those described
in Success On Our Own
Terms by Ginny O’Brien.
Leslie received a MEd from
Harvard Graduate School of
Education
I
actually started making the
changes before the kids left
for college. I worked
soon out of high school
(before marriage), I had my
own apartment, my own car,
my own bills, etc. so I did
the independence thing
early.
I
worked off and on after
having children, mainly very
part time. When the
youngest started first
grade, I worked on my first
Associates degree, took many
years and didn't really use
it much. I was able to
return to school for a
degree in what I wanted
(Health Information) when
the oldest went away to
college and the youngest
started high school.
I
graduated in two years, by
then the youngest started
driving so I felt okay about
going full time and
commuting. I have been
at my job for four years
now. It is really a
career. I am now the
manager of the department
with ten women reporting to
me (which feels like child
rearing all over again!).
I am in a very good stage of
my life.
I
knew I would miss raising my
kids so I started to prepare
for that stage in advance.
It worked well for me.
Now, my youngest is going to
be a junior in college and
my oldest (the independent)
one has not lived at home
for four years, she has been
the past year in China
teaching and I have not seen
her in close to a year.
She will be home for a few
months in summer and then
return to China. Now
that is the ultimate in
Empty Nesting when you can't
even get to them by plane
and the time difference is
12 hours!! But my life
is happily moving along.
Thanks
for reading and I hope that
my story helps someone
especially during the
pre-empty nest part of
life. I think in order
for it not to hit so hard,
it does help to have a plan
for when the day comes that
they leave home.
