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January 7, 2005
Chapter 5 of David Solie's
book "How to Say It to
Seniors" looks at five
verbal behaviors, quite
common in older people, that
may sound like mental
decline but quite possibly
reveal something else. With
his permission, we reproduce
here a set of excerpts that
describe the first two of
these behaviors. The other
three will be the subject of
the next article in this
series. Robert Griffith,
Editor.
Lack of Urgency
("Why can't they make a
decision?")
Very often those who work
with elderly people, or
those who must interview
them for a specific purpose,
get exasperated and wonder,
"Why can't they make a
decision? I ask them a
specific question and they
don't seem to care about
answering it. They aren't
focused on the task at hand.
I make decisions all the
time - big ones, little
ones. They aren't getting
any younger and neither am
I, yet they don't seem to be
in any rush to resolve
anything. What are they
waiting for?"
Nowhere do we see the clash
between age-based agendas
more clearly than in the
time it can take an older
adult to decide something.
This lack of urgency runs
smack up against the
deadlines our middle-aged
agendas impose on us every
day. We feel an
uncontrollable urge to speed
our elders up in an effort
to satisfy our own internal
agendas, not theirs. We
share a culture of task
orientation, embraced
particularly by those of us
who are juggling items on
our midlife agendas. We
measure our worth each day
by how many faxes we receive
and send, how many e-mail
messages we blast off into
cyberspace, how many dragons
we metaphorically slay. And
these older people can
frustrate our attempts to
surpass our previous day's
output. We ask them a
question and they won't give
us an answer. Why can't they
focus and respond?
 Many senior adults
understand that the
landscape is more
complicated once they slow
down to take a good look at
it. Compare their
observation to our
middle-aged agendas that
drive us to rip through our
lives with blinders on. Note
that many middle-aged men do
not appreciate the density
of life's landscape until
they have a heart attack. If
they survive intensive care,
the complexity and richness
of living becomes apparent
to them. Their physiology
has forced them to slow down
and they begin to look at
their world in a different
way. Similarly, as senior
adults' physiology starts to
slow down, they begin to
focus on the internal and
find that the life they've
lived 70 years is
complicated. This lack of
urgency mirrors what's
happening physiologically.
Why can't they make a
decision? Because making
decisions is not what life
is about. It isn't about
quick sequencing. It's about
understanding what has
happened and what it all
means.
For this reason, any attempt
to create a sense of urgency
in older adults is rarely
successful and generally
counterproductive. We are
not talking about
punctuality or efficiency.
We are talking about the
desire to light a fire under
them to get them to take
action. Unfortunately, most
ploys to generate urgency
simply ring false and older
relatives and clients resent
the tactic. Their resistance
to being sped up comes from
their enhanced perspective
and says to us: We know
something that you don't,
that in the end, no matter
how many phones calls we've
returned, how many deals
we've completed, how much
money we've made, life
always has a way of working
out.
Exaggerated urgency aimed at
older adults only makes them
feel guilty and frustrated.
Over the course of a
lifetime, missed
opportunities seem a minor,
trivial concern at best.
What matters is what we
accomplished, not what we
missed. No amount of rushing
and doing makes life conform
to the best-laid plans of
its participants. Older
people intuitively realize
that life will always take
care of itself.
If we can understand and
accept this timeline
produced by enhanced
perspective, then we can
derive great satisfaction by
exercising our
deadline-driven skills at
the appropriate time. Rather
than insist the elderly
person get something done,
let the impetus come from
the elderly person. Letting
them lead is the way to deal
with lack of urgency and
feel good about it.
Example: Your mother has not
made an appointment for her
follow-up visit with her
doctor. Her medication is
running out and she must
have a check up before her
prescriptions can be
refilled. You are tempted to
get aggressive on this issue
and make the appointment for
her, but you fear a negative
reaction that might further
delay her seeking proper
treatment.
Questions: What alternatives
are there to taking this
step? Which offer her the
control she needs in this
situation?
Possible answers: 1) Call
the physician's office and
find out what times are
available in the next week.
Tell your mother about these
open appointments. 2) Offer
her the option of making the
appointment or having you
make the appointment for
her.
How to say it:
"Mom, I've checked with Dr
Reed's office and his
appointment book is filling
up. Do you want me to
schedule your check-up or
shall I let you handle it?"
 Nonlinear Conversations
("Why can't they stick to
the subject?")
Not only do older adults
move slowly when viewed from
our younger vantage point,
they also have the habit of
wandering off the topic of
conversation, which we
sometimes find annoying. In
children we label this
behavior as being "off
task." With older adults
some have labeled it
"off-topic speech" or
"off-topic verbosity." While
children are given leeway to
operate off task, we expect
our older citizens to know
better and act accordingly.
When older adults drift from
the topic, we assume the
cause is the infirmity of
their advancing years. What
else could it be?
We have to create an
environment for nonlinear
conversations by signaling
we're willing to listen, and
that we're tuned in to the
content, not just the words,
of the conversation we're
hearing. If we are in a
professional setting and
encounter an elderly person
who engages in this form of
verbal behavior, how should
we respond? Simply listen.
By listening for the
patterns in any nonlinear
conversation, it's possible
we might help someone
discover something important
about how he or she wants to
be remembered.
Upon closer observation,
nonlinear conversations
serve an important role in
the life review process of
older adults. They are a
tool the elderly use -
consciously or
subconsciously - to find
purpose, direction, and
meaning from what they've
experienced. What emerges
from these nonlinear
conversations are personal
stories that reflect core
values and central themes in
a life lived over seventy or
eighty years. This discovery
process amasses the raw data
that will be used to define
that life and its legacy. It
is important to remember
that in many cases this
discovery process is not
what older adults have in
mind when they begin a
conversation.
Example: You run into one of
your older neighbors and ask
how she's doing. Her reply
is a monologue that twists
through past and present
events and far exceeds the
time you mentally allotted
for the entire conversation.
Questions: How do you
respond to such a complex
answer to a simple question
without being offensive or
dismissive?
Possible Answers: Our
midlife agenda would
naturally drive us to cut
this kind of conversation
short. Instead of trying to
control the conversation or
somehow slither out of it,
respond to it in the
following way:
1. Listen for patterns and
themes. Is this a tale about
perseverance, cleverness,
irony, or life's
difficulties? Try to
identify a theme and then,
if you can, paraphrase or
summarize the lesson or
moral significance of what
the person is saying. How to
say it:
"It seems to me, in life,
things that should be simple
turn out to be complicated.
Isn't it amazing that you
start out with good
intentions and everything
backfires on you." Echo back
to this woman the values
expressed in her verbal
labyrinth.
2. Tell a similar story from
your own life. How to say
it:
"This sounds very much like
the time I was dealing with
my mom when she was really
ill . . ." By echoing what
you've heard, you show
you're listening and you get
to summarize the meaning.
Your version may facilitate
her understanding of her
story's importance.
Source
David Solie, MS, PA. How to
Say It to Seniors: Closing
the Communications Gap with
our Elders. (2004) Prentice
Hall Press, New York. This
article was published with
permission from
www.healthandage.com
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