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April 15, 2005
These, our final extracts
from "How to Say It to
Seniors" by David Solie,
contain a series of
questions and answers
designed to help readers in
their efforts to communicate
better with their elders.
They are reproduced here
with the author's
permission.
Q: How do I determine
whether the older person is
interested in addressing my
concerns after I hear a
non-answer?
A: The art of crafting
questions takes time and
testing. Not all of our
attempts to salvage a
conversation will be
successful. Many times we
will get perfunctory
answers. Other times we will
spark real discussions. In
between these extremes is
where we hone our skills.
Our commitment to legacy
coaching bids us to listen
closely to senior adults to
find topics that provide
openings. There may be a
subtle shift in mood, a
return to some particular
topic, or a new piece of
information. These hints may
be new legacy doors waiting
to be opened by the right
follow-up questions.
Q: Sometimes I ask a
really good question but the
older person goes off on a
completely different topic.
Now what do I do?
A: Sometimes secondary
subjects that arise are not
incidental to the
discussion, but the whole
deal! When the San Francisco
matron stated so forcefully
that "doctors don't know
everything, mother's do," I
waited and was astonished at
where this statement led.
She's well known in her
community, yet no one knew
how passionately she felt
about the lack of services
for special-needs children
or how much she needed to
talk about it. An innocuous
comment about hot weather
that prompts a childhood
memory of a swimming hole
and homemade ice cream begs
us to help the senior adult
glean legacy value from such
a response. Nonlinear
statements are among the
most important we'll ever
hear from our seniors. They
beckon us to pick out
patterns that indicate where
their values may lie.
Q: I am concerned that
some of my questions to
senior adults may raise
strong emotions, such as
fear or anger or both.
Should I avoid asking such
questions?
A: Usually, the more intense
the response, the more
significant the question
we've asked. Emotions are
not something to avoid; we
must learn to respond to
them. Many times these
outbursts are gut reactions
to topics that have not been
aired in the past. If the
person appears
uncomfortable, don't press
for more details at that
moment. Validate their
feelings ("That sounds like
a terrible time in your
life") and move on. If our
relationship with the person
is solid, and we keep
communication channels open,
there's a good chance he or
she will bring up the
subject again in another
attempt to understand its
significance in the life
review process.
Q: My mom and I have
never seen eye to eye. My
view is that she's a very
controlling person, so the
idea of reinforcing that
behavior doesn't sit well
with me. Would offering her
control, using those action
verbs, actually work with
her personality type?
A: Yes, definitely. Even if
your mom has no trouble
leading the brigade, she's
still looking for a sign
that you recognize her right
to do so. Part of our
conflict with controlling
people is that we tend to
fight them for the very
thing they won't surrender.
Don't fight your mom
anymore; rather, acknowledge
she has all the control she
wants. Offer her control
language at every
opportunity. When she
realizes there's nothing to
fight about, she's likely to
relax and have more honest,
open discussions on a
variety of subjects.
Q: While I agree that my
80-year-old dad has a right
to refuse medical treatment,
I worry that his condition
will deteriorate and I won't
forgive myself for not
trying harder to persuade
him to seek help while I had
the chance. What can I say
to him about seeing the
doctor if he refuses to go
on his own?
A: Sometimes an elderly
person's initial refusal to
seek medical treatment is a
warm-up answer. Wait a few
days and mention the subject
again by offering your dad
complete control of the
decision, the timing, and
extent of further testing.
If he refuses, assure him
you accept his decision. If
he asks more questions about
the procedure, supply him
with the answers without
pressuring him to make an
appointment. He's indicating
he is willing to reconsider
and needs to be facilitated,
so raise the issue again a
few days later using the
same control language as
before. Understand that your
concern about your dad's
deteriorating condition is
not his problem. He's lived
a long life and in reviewing
it, he may have decided he's
lived long enough. It's a
subject seniors in
compromised health review
every day. It clashes with
our age group's
developmental drivers that
compel us to take charge and
resolve matters, but
remember, we don't yet know
what it's like to be old and
need to respect our elders'
decisions, even it we find
them painful and don't agree
with them.
Q: How many times in
conversations with an
elderly person should I use
the word "control"?
A: Both nonprofessionals and
professionals should use the
word "control" and it's
A-list of synonyms as often
as possible. You will be
amazed at the verbal and
nonverbal responses you get.
You'll observe elderly
people relax and be more
open to discussing any issue
you want to raise.
Q: My parents don't
realize they need more help
doing simple tasks around
the house, such as cleaning,
cooking, and maintenance.
Whenever I bring up the
subject, they refuse to
discuss it and dismiss my
concerns. They mutter
something about privacy and
do not want "strangers" with
them "constantly." How do I
bring up the subject again
so they'll hear me out?
A: Offer the language of
control. For example, you
might say, "Dad, it's
completely your decision,
but you know I've mentioned
that it's getting more
difficult for you and mom to
maintain the house. What
kind of assistance do you
think you both can manage?
Can I help you create a
schedule for a helper that
won't interfere with your
activities? If you had to
create a resume of the ideal
person to assist you, what
kind of experience would you
envision for the person you
hire?" This kind of language
- using active verbs that
place seniors at the helm -
will offer your parents
control of the situation.
They'll relax and be able to
think things through in a
more focused, less defensive
way.
[These Q&As have covered]
communication strategies
that allow seniors to feel
in control of their lives at
a time when they're dealing
with mounting losses. If we
master the art of allowing
our elders to push the
control buttons, we find
them responding in new ways
that facilitate both of our
age-based agendas. With less
conflict, they relax and
their conversations become
somewhat easier. We begin to
feel like heroes in their
eyes. Why? Because we've
freed them to focus on their
other equally compelling
developmental task: the
search for the way they wish
to be remembered.
Q: I know my dad misses
my mom, his weekend golf
outings with his buddies,
and the freedom he had when
he could still drive, but he
never talks about it. In
fact, all he seems to do is
sit around and mope. What
can I say to him that will
spark his interest in life
again?
A: Facilitate an
unstructured conversation
with your dad. Ask
open-ended questions that
give him the opportunity to
bring up issues that matter
to him, such as the losses
he's recently endured. From
his answers, try to discern
what needs to become part of
his legacy and help him find
the connections that will
fill the void he's feeling.
Q: I understand why I
need to listen for the
values, but I'm not clear
about how to interpret what
I hear. Any pointers?
A: Think of the different
ways you would answer a
factual question on a
questionnaire or an
open-ended question posed by
someone you trust: To a
fact-finding question you
might give a two- or
three-word answer. To an
open-ended question you
might never finish to your
satisfaction. That
difference in response
illuminates our values. When
talking with our elders, we
have to listen carefully
with our legacy coach ears
to what is repeated, what is
emphasized, which details
surface again and again, and
how these details shift. If
we think about their answer
to a fact-finding question
and compare it with their
answer to the same question
asked in a slightly
different and open-ended
way, we begin to see what
they value. Those values can
be used in forming their
legacies.
Q: I've tried these
open-ended questions, but
they don't seem to work with
my grandmother. Whenever I
bring up a subject that I'm
most curious about, she
shoos me away like she would
a pesky fly. How can I break
through and get the
information I want?
A: First, make sure all her
control issues are resolved.
Is there something about
which she feels a sense of
loss and hasn't expressed?
If so, she may be focused on
loss and regaining her
balance and not have energy
left over to probe more
deeply into her past. Ask
her directly what she needs.
Next, consider that you
might not be asking her the
right open-ended questions.
She may not be interested in
talking about her father,
but a question about her
boyfriend at age 18 might
evoke memories that lead you
to subjects you want her to
explore.
Q: This legacy coaching
stuff seems time-consuming
and laborious. Is it really
worth the effort? What's the
real value to the older
person - and to us?
A: In medicine the dictum
is: Cure when possible;
comfort always. We can't
cure aging, but we can offer
comfort. We can't make old
people better, faster, or
quicker, but we can try to
assist them on a
developmental level. In
doing so, we help them
stitch together the legacy
quilt they are compelled to
create. It's their gift to
us, one that we can later
embellish and hand down to
our children. How can we
question the value of this
legacy coaching process that
offers such huge emotional
rewards?
This is the final set of
extracts from David Solie's
book. If you've found them
useful, you will find the
book many times more useful
- we've only scratched the
surface.
Source
David Solie, MS, PA. How to
Say It to Seniors: Closing
the Communications Gap with
our Elders. (2004) Prentice
Hall Press, New York. This
article was published with
permission from
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