|
By:
Hara Estroff Marano
Summary: Wallflowers
take heart. It only takes a
few simple steps to achieve
confidence and it is never
too late to be a social
success.
Perhaps the single greatest
source of mental energy is
positive interaction with
others. Even if you were the
class nerd in high school,
it's never too late to
achieve social success. You
can develop social
confidence by following a
few simple steps.
Schedule Your Social Life
To hone your social skills
you have to invest time in
them. Practice makes
perfect, even for the
socially secure. By
surrounding yourself with
others you create a rich
supply of opportunities to
observe interactions and to
improve upon your own social
behaviors.
Stop turning down party
invitations and start
inviting people to your
home. Plan outings with
acquaintances you'd like to
know better.
Think Positive
Insecure people approach
others anxiously, feeling
they have to prove that
they're witty or
interesting. Self-assured
people expect others to
respond positively --
despite the fact that one of
the most difficult social
tasks is to join an activity
that is already in progress.
Engage in Social
Reconnaissance
The socially competent are
highly skilled at
information gathering,
always scanning the scene
for important details to
guide their actions. They
are tuned in to people's
expression of specific
emotions, sensitive to
signals that convey such
information as what people's
interests are, whether they
want to be left alone or
whether there is room in an
activity for another person.
To infer correctly what
others must be feeling, you
must be able to identify and
label your own experience
accurately. That is where
many people, particularly
men, fall short.
Good conversationalists make
comments that are connected
to what is said to them and
to the social situation. You
don't have to be
interesting. You just have
to be interested.
Enter Conversations
Gracefully
Timing is everything. After
listening and observing on
the perimeter of a group
they want to join, the
socially competent look for
an opportunity to step in,
knowing it doesn't just
happen. It usually appears
as a lull in the
conversation. Tuned in to
the conversational or
activity theme, the deft
participant asks a question
or elaborates on what
someone else has already
said. The idea is to use an
open-ended question that
lets others participate.
"Speaking of the election,
what does everybody think
about so-and-so's decision
not to run?"
Once the conversation gets
moving, back off and give
others a chance to talk. The
goal is to help the group
have a better conversation.
Learn to Handle Failure
Everyone will sometimes be
rejected. The socially
confident don't take rebuffs
personally. They don't
attribute rejection to
internal causes, such as
being unlikable or inability
to make friends. They assume
it can result from any of
many factors --
incompatibility, someone
else's bad mood, a
misunderstanding.
Self-assured people become
resilient, using the
feedback they get to shape
another go at acceptance.
When faced with failure,
those who are well-liked
turn a negative response
into a counterproposal. They
say things like, "Well, can
we make a date for next week
instead?" Or they move onto
another group in the
expectation that not every
conversation is closed.
And should they reject
others' bids to join with
them, they do it in a
positive way. They
invariably offer a reason or
counter with an alternative
idea: "I would love to talk
with you later."
Manage Your Emotions
Social situations are
incredibly complex and
dynamic. There's all kinds
of verbal and nonverbal
cues, such as facial
expression and voice tone
that have to be interpreted
before you decide on the
best response -- all in a
matter of microseconds. No
one can do all that without
a reasonable degree of
control over their own
emotional states, especially
negative emotions such as
anger, fear, anxiety,
emotions that usually arise
in situations of conflict or
uncertainty. The trick is to
shift attention away from
distressing stimuli toward
positive aspects of a
situation.
Defuse Disagreements
Conflict is inevitable;
coping with confrontations
is a critical social skill.
Instead of fighting fire
with fire, socially
confident people stop
conflict from escalating;
they apologize, propose a
joint activity, make a peace
offering, or negotiate.
Sometimes they just change
the subject. Managing
conflict without aggression
requires listening,
communicating, taking the
perspective of others,
controlling negative
emotions, and
problem-solving. Even just
explaining your point of
view in an argument is a
helpful move.
Laugh a Little
Humor is the most prized
social skill, the fast track
to being liked. There's no
recipe for creating a sense
of humor. But even in your
darkest moments, strive to
see the lighter side of a
situation.
Article courtesy:
www.psychologytoday.com
|
